Shane Watson People-watching

From friends in high places to lifelong mates. Who would you invite to your big day?

You may have seen the broadcaster and journalist Mariella Frostrup has just turned 60 and, to celebrate, all her closest girlfriends threw a surprise party in her honour, at which they wore Mariella masks, Nordic blonde wigs and leopard print.

Well, it’s all right for some. Those of us whose friends have to be reminded when it’s our birthday were given pause for thought. If everyone dressed up as Us, you’d get a roomful of messy women with not-so-recently highlighted hair. More importantly, who would “everyone” be?

I don’t know about you, but during my decade of 60ths there has been much hand-wringing, and fraught conversations about how to celebrate and – mainly – with whom. We can all rustle up a few friends, but who do we really want to see on the big day? You can’t have a party just consisting of everyone in the back row of your school photograph plus the couples who made you a godparent. You’ll want those friends you click with but don’t know that well (the giveaway: you have never met their children). You’ll need a couple of locals (they can see what you’re up to from their house) and maybe even some friends you would like to be closer to but who, realistically, have bigger fish to fry.

Here are some friendships you might recognise…

THE SELFLESS FRIEND

Quite unusual in this day and age, but very much a thing if you were an aristocrat with connections to royalty and ended up being a lifelong lady-inwaiting, as Lady Glenconner was to Princess Margaret. Now we all know the Lady Anne story back to front (we’d go for a third volume, if she’s got it in her), but the part that makes us most misty-eyed is the devotion of Anne to Margaret, from packing her swimwear to finding her suitable playmates and acting as her nurse, all while being the very essence of discretion. Sad to see this one falling out of fashion.

If you’ve got Elton notched up on your friendship post, then you are made in 2022, providing everyone knows about it. Who can say if Elton sits at home reading the latest “I’m close with Elton” declarations (most recently Meghan and Harry thanked him for his friendship and being a “friend to our kids”), quietly seething at their impertinence? There must be a bit of that: every celebrity on the planet lays claim to being his bestie. Hope so. Really hoping he heard the statement by the Duchess (suffered at the hands of the structurally racist royals, but still call me Duchess) that contained the words “We are just so proud of you” and thought, “Who do you think you are, lady?”

THE FREX

Friends who are exes have a bond that requires some getting used to if you’re the current partner, but if managed tactfully, the frexship is a welcome port in a storm. Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley are the frexes to envy: they don’t feel obliged to do all that double couples on a beach, like Gwynnie and Chris Martin, plus you sense they’re more interested in hooting and dressing up in un-PC fancy dress than looking like they are fluidly co-parenting. (Maybe no kids is the secret.) We’d like to think that Sharon Horgan and her ex are frexes, but have no proof of this. Also note: frexes are not to be confused with exes who get back together after a break of several years, like Ben Stiller and his wife, which is the reason we’re all still a tiny bit nervous about the whole frex deal.

The best and most recent example of this would have to be the friendship between Queen Elizabeth and Tom Cruise. She let him land his helicopter on the lawn at Windsor Castle. Say no more. OK, if there were more to say, it is that in her 97th year, the late Queen still had room for a new friend with a glittery smile, a signature run and some good stories, and had she been about to have a birthday herself, you know TC would have been on her right.

THE SENTENCEFINISHER FRIEND

It’s Ant and Dec. It’s the person who definitely knew your parents, your tortoise, saw you through all your breakups and will take no s--- when you occasionally attempt to rewrite history and pretend you saw Bowie live/got a 2:1/once dated James Hunt.

THE FRIEND YOU SHARED AN EXPERIENCE WITH (AND NOW THEY’RE A FRIEND FOR LIFE)

Everyone on Strictly and in the I’m a Celebrity jungle thinks they’ve made friends for life, but will they all be hanging out this time next year? Probably not. It’s like when you leave a job and you’re convinced you’ll keep going to that pub next to the office and then you start to go to the one on the other side of town with your new workmates.