AGONY UNCLE Solving your problems

Dear Richard

We have a holiday home in Spain that we’ve owned for the last 20 years. The house next door is lived in full-time by an older English couple, who have kept an eye on our place over the years, helping out with power-supply issues, roof repairs and so on. We’ve always thanked them, taking them out for meals and, once, on a trip back through France to the UK.

They recently announced that they were selling up to move nearer to relatives in France. A buyer has come along unexpectedly quickly, and they now have to move out within a few weeks. They called and asked us if they could rent our place until early next year, when their new house will be ready. They say they can go into a hotel whenever we want to go over; but that they would like to keep their possessions boxed up in our garage. The call ended with: ‘Have a think about it, but if you say no there will be no hard feelings.’

We had a chat about it and decided we wanted to know a few specifics. We wrote them an email asking them to write down exactly what they were offering and expecting, and then suggested we call to talk it over. The response was a terse email: ‘We didn’t realise it would all be so difficult – forget it; we will sort ourselves out.’ So much for no hard feelings, they are now not speaking to us! We would have been happy to help if we were clear on certain things, but now we’re being made to feel we’ve been unreasonable. I suppose we’ll be seeing less of them once they’ve moved out, but we’ll be using the house at Christmas and we’d like to have a nice neighbourly time – how should we clear the air?

– Anne, via telegraph.co.uk

Dear Anne

I winced when I read your summary of your response. It sounded picky and fussy

The late broadcaster, writer and critic Clive James once said, ‘It’s not what you say that matters. It’s how you come across.’

I think that’s at the kernel of the problem here. Of course you had every right to ask for more detail about your neighbours’ proposal – it is, after all, your property. But you may have couched your request in a way that, however unintentionally, has offended them.

The reason I think this, Anne, is because for 20 years they have been what sounds like pretty much perfect neighbours. They’ve kept an eye on your place, intervened when necessary, and been dependable, reliable night watchmen in Spain. Their request to borrow your home for a very brief period seems entirely reasonable.

You haven’t sent me your response but I winced when I read your summary of it. It sounded picky and fussy; as if you were searching for reasons to decline. I know that’s not what you intended, but remember Clive James’s dictum – it ’s n ot what you sa y, it ’s how you come across. And in this instance, you’ve come over as reluctant and ungrateful.

These nice people are offended and hurt. You should have said something along the lines of: ‘Of course you can use our place. A few details to sort out, obviously, but we’ll do that later. Meanwhile, take this as a yes!’ But the fact is, you didn’t – and if you want a chance of restoring relations with your neighbours in December, you’ll have to start by acknowledging that.

Dear Richard

A couple of years ago I had an affair. I decided to nip it in the bud and I told my husband: he was cold rather than angry, and became uncommunicative. I felt it had brought some longer-term issues to light and suggested we have couples’ therapy, which he initially refused to do – ‘Why should I have to go through that because of something you did?’ – but we ended up doing a few online sessions during the first Covid lockdown. These proved mortifying, with questions about things including our (never exactly frenetic) sex life, our relationships with our parents and our daily routine. The conclusion hanging in the air was that there was nothing much to our marriage beyond convenience and habit, and our shared love of our two children, now seven and five. However I feel that there was more to it once: I remember taking joy in shared experiences, and just feeling happy when he came into the room.

I’d like us to try to work back towards that, but while he feels so hurt and angry about my infidelity he’s not going to join me in doing what needs to be done. In the meantime we have a sort of chilly cordiality; under the guise of work pressures we’re leading increasingly separate lives. How can I stop this slow decay?

– M, via email

Your buddy may tire of the put-downs and sarky remarks, and bail out

Dear M

It sounds like a bit more than slow decay, if I’m honest with you. I’m not a therapist, but a few things seem pretty obvious to me here.

First, your original decision to embark on an affair – and it was a decision, wasn’t it, M? There would have been that critical moment when you could have walked away, but chose not to. Why was that?

I think the answer lies in your two subsequent decisions – to nip the affair in the bud, and then to tell your husband about it. Your little adventure, however exciting and sexually stimulating, was a classic cry for attention. You wanted your husband to see how bad things had got between you. You could have kept your brief fling a secret, but you didn’t. I think that’s very significant.

The subsequent therapy hasn’t exactly worked. As you say, its chief outcome was simply to expose the chilly temperature of your marriage.

You won’t be alone, M, in looking back to the early phase of a failed relationship and wanting to recreate those halcyon days. But I must say I have my doubts if that’s achievable in your case. Things look pretty far gone to me.

Dear Richard

My friendship group is made up of people in their mid-20s. My best friend has been seeing his girlfriend for a year or so, and it’s never really gelled between her and the rest of us. She is quite critical of him and often interrupts him. If we are at a restaurant and split the bill she sometimes says snarky things about paying for him and he shrinks into his seat. He seems more at ease when he comes out on his own.

I’m single, but I remember that feeling of your relationship being on display to your friends. Maybe my friend’s girlfriend is acting up because she feels she is being judged. But the only thing we are judging her about is how mean she sometimes is to our friend.

This has come up when they’re not there and we all agree. Should we mention it to our friend? – Peter, London

Dear Peter

Hmm. I’m wondering if you’ve been watching the hotel drama series The White Lotus. There are some zinging lines in it about relationships. In one scene a wife, commenting to her husband about another couple’s collapsing relationship, notes: ‘I think some women cut off their husband’s balls and then they wonder why they’re not attracted to them any more.’

Does she mean the wife is no longer attracted to the husband, or the other way around? Either way, it’s something of a sexist trope. But is this what you think the future holds for your buddy? That he’ll tire of the put-downs and sarky remarks, reach for his parachute and bail out?

Or perhaps, Peter, his girlfriend is right to pull him up on stuff. I can’t say, because I’m not there. But either way I don’t think you need to or should intervene. The situation will resolve itself; probably sooner rather than later.