The empty nest is worse for dads… there’s no one to watch the football with

Much is said about how mothers feel when their children leave home – but what about fathers? Gavin Newsham, whose eldest two have just started university, explains how he’s dealing with a complex mix of emotions

When I left home and set off for university in 1988, I arrived at my grand halls of residence in my Uncle Chris’s battered old Lada. He had driven me to Leicester as my dad was still recovering from a broken leg and, eager to get back to Manchester, Chris had just chucked my rucksack out into the car park before heading off on his return journey. I’m not sure he even turned the engine off. As I was the first in our family to go to university, I don’t think my parents really had any clue about where I was going and what I was doing. Actually, with my tuition fees paid and a full grant, I think they were more than happy to see me fly their nest.

It’s a different story now.

In the past couple of weeks, our house of five has become a house of three, as two of our children have gone off to university, just as thousands of others have across the country. After two years out working and travelling, Betsy, 20, has gone to Manchester to study music, while Frank, 19, is 40 minutes down the M62 in Liverpool studying sociology and criminology. That’s left just me, my wife Ann, and our youngest, Cissy, 15, at home, rattling around in all this new-found space and, to be honest, I’m finding it very, very strange.

Prior to them leaving, Ann and I had discussed how we might feel when we dropped them off at their halls of residence and made the long drive back to Brighton. Ann reckoned she would have stopped crying by the time we hit the M6 toll road near Birmingham but, as it was, she was done by the time we reached Keele services.

For me, though, it’s been a situation compounded with my own ongoing struggle with depression – and I still have no idea which way it’s going to go. I think it’s the silence I fear. No music blaring out when my son is in the shower or not hearing my daughter play the piano. None of their friends popping in for “pre-drinks” or staggering home from a night out. I’ll even miss the arguments.

Celia Dodd is the author of The Empty Nest: How to Survive and Stay Close to Your Adult Child and a mother of three grown-up children who have all left home. She believes that the first step in combating the deep sense of loss, for both men and women, is to just recognise how you’re feeling. “You need to acknowledge it’s a big deal and a big change that affects life on all levels,” she says. “So be open about it. Talk to friends and especially talk to your partner because it’s easy to misunderstand how the other person feels. Many women don’t realise how tough the empty nest is for their partner – I was guilty of this myself.”

It is a heady mix of emotions. From sadness to anxiety, loneliness to pride, it is also a time when men begin to question their purpose. No longer are they the hands-on parent, there to intervene whenever help is needed. “Some men feel they’ve lost out, that their job as a parent isn’t done and they’re not ready for the child to leave,” adds Celia. “One dad told me that ‘I’ll never be with my daughter in the same way again’, while another said ‘My identity was so bound up with my daughter’s and being a father.’”

Admissions like this tend to be the exception, however. Typically, men will resort to putting a brave face on the matter at hand, opting not to discuss it, partly for the sake of their child, but also to balance out the sense of sadness that their partner is perhaps feeling. All of which serves to make a difficult situation even more painful.

Ann is much more forthcoming with her feelings than I am. In fact, you can see the kids’ eyes roll whenever she starts talking about them leaving. Outwardly, they both seem to be looking forward to the journey they are about to embark on, but as both have long-term partners, I suspect the road ahead might not be so smooth. Time will tell.

Dr Michael Sinclair is a consultant psychologist. He believes that male stereotypes and social expectation means men find it more difficult to come to terms with their children leaving home, largely because they are not as willing as women to open up and address the way they are feeling. “Men are not immune to empty-nest syndrome and the painful feelings that come with it,” he says. “And because men may be less inclined to acknowledge these emotions, they may come to rely on other ways to deal with them, which could typically be attempts at trying to suppress, control and avoid them.”

For men, it can also be a situation that goes beyond feelings of sadness and loss. Often, men can struggle with low self-worth as their role as a father is perceived as being less important when a child leaves home. “It can be very difficult and men may resort to unhelpful behaviours, like excessive drinking, to suppress these feelings and to exert some level of control over their self-perceived decline in ‘manliness’. Obviously, that will come at a cost to their wellbeing and their quality of life.”

Celia agrees. “Be aware of behaviour that makes you feel better but is ultimately unhelpful, whether that’s drinking, having affairs or generally going off the midlife rails,” she advises. “You need to work out other ways to navigate change.”

I’m not sure I’ll go down any of those routes, and I already drink too much as it is.

Friends of ours have older kids who have already flown the nest and faced that sudden shift in the family dynamic (although several now have kids who have just graduated and are back at home, as though the last three years didn’t happen). Keeping busy seemed to be the common thread of their advice.

“You should never wallow in sadness. It’s important to see it as a natural change,” says Celia. “And don’t see it as the end. Yes, it is the end of an era, but it’s also the beginning of a whole new relationship with your adult child and a change in your life, which can be full of unforeseen opportunities.”

It’s true that the better parent you have been, the greater the pain you will experience when your child leaves. Of course, you want the best for them and to take full advantage of all the opportunities coming their way, but the fact that they don’t need you as much is always going to hurt, whichever way you cut it.

Still, their departure will also give you new opportunities, and not just from renting their room out as soon as they are out the door. Now, you will have the chance to dedicate more time to your partner. It’s likely, after all, that that relationship will need some attention after so many years of parenting. “That’s not a chore – it’s a great opportunity to rediscover what you both really enjoy,” adds Celia. Maybe you can take up some old hobby or activity you both used to enjoy before the kids swallowed up your time? Perhaps declutter the house or take a weekend away? You might just find you have more time and energy for each other.

Technology will undoubtedly make matters easier. When I was in my first term at university, I didn’t speak to my parents until I got home at Christmas, largely because there was always a queue for the pay phone. Today, we have our mobiles, FaceTime and Zoom and a family WhatsApp group so checking in shouldn’t be a problem. We can even have food delivered to their door now. But, says Celia, you need to respect their space. “It might be tempting, but don’t follow your child’s every move on social media,” she says. “Not only can it be very annoying for your child, but you really need to let them make their own mistakes. Try shifting your focus back to you and your new direction instead.”

It’s now a fortnight or so since they went. We speak or message each other most days and arrange for the things they need or have forgotten to be sent up to them.

But it’s eerily quiet in the house. I have nobody to watch the football with anymore and we don’t have to give my daughter a lift to work when she oversleeps. The coats are all hung up properly and there are no shoes dumped in the hallway. The washing machine is also breathing a sigh of relief. And our food shopping bill has plummeted.

Yes, it’s not going to be easy but we have to look on the bright side. At least they won’t be arriving at university in a battered old Lada.

‘Some men feel like their job as a parent isn’t done and they’re not ready for the child to leave’